The turmoil underneath

Life has been keeping me busy. I have let some things slide quite a bit. There are FANTASTIC things happening in many areas of my life. BUT a recent conversation over coffee made me contemplate a few things. I realize that I haven't quite yet healed from my divorce. While I am logical about what happened, there are underlying emotions that I've suppressed. There's an element of animosity that permeates me when I have to interact with PD. While I'm externally fine with the situation, I am internally still hurt about everything that happened. As my friend said....if I keep it suppressed, my feelings will one day bite me in the butt.

I need to make a point of delving inside and get my feelings out to the world. A purge of sorts.

As a kid, my goal as an adult was "to be happy." I didn't dream about having a big house. I didn't dream about having children. I didn't dream about being married. I just wanted to live a happy life. Not too lofty a goal. But I grew up with a very strict father who would not be shy to discipline me for the smallest infraction. I wanted to live without being under a microscope. I wanted to laugh and just be me. So...since I was young I chose to live honestly. If I were asked a question, I would give my answer. If someone didn't hear what I said, I wouldn't hesitate to repeat myself. Is that weird? I guess in this day and age, I might be an anomaly. I am what I am and that's all that I am! I was known in my family for being able to tell others the hard truth, especially when it's something difficult to swallow. It's not like I'm harsh about it, but I would tell people what they needed to hear. Hard love. You know?

I think that this is something that PD couldn't take. That I was honest about how I felt about him, the kids, my family, and my life. When he started hiding his feelings and his actions, he just repelled from me. I kind of ignored it at first. I brushed it off to him being tired from his job. I made excuses for his being detached to my family FOR YEARS! So while I was honest about my own personal feelings/life, I was walking through life with rosey colored glasses about him. I thought I had my perfect family of four. Still banging my head about how many years I was "covering" for his lack of....being there. Even my family would confess that they'd noticed how unattached PD was to EVERYONE for years and years. But they didn't say anything because they felt that if I was happy then everything was fine.

So my goal of a happy life was a mirage. Unbeknownst to me, a complete fallacy. And that really saddens me so very much.

2014 - 6th Sunday

I noticed the funniest thing the last few times we traded the kids.

PD has been AVOIDING me.

2014 - 5th Sunday

After a divorce, there are a vast majority that go through major ups and downs for a period of time. I've admitted that I have my down days (or moments), but in reality the transition to a single life has been pretty gosh darn smooth. That is in comparison to many other people who have gone through a divorce.

2014 - 4th Sunday

The kids were with their Dad this weekend, so I was able to venture out and do errands. Ha-ha! You all thought I'd party it up and go crazy? Naw...that's not my style. I'm too much of a Type A personality and like to stay in control. I've only ever been totally blitzed out of my mind twice in my life. I guess it was fun at the time, but I didn't like that numb feeling.

2014 - 1st Sunday

It's a brand new year!
Most people come up with resolutions.
Start Exercise.
Stop smoking.
Stop cursing.

Catching up

My life has definitely changed since I last posted in April. My divorce became final the last week in May. We told the kids the Sunday of Memorial Weekend that he would be moving the next weekend.

He called the kids from the other rooms and we sat on our two couches.

PD: We have to tell you something important. Your Mom and I are getting divorced. I'll be moving down to the house this coming weekend.

2013 - 17th Saturday

Work:
Will the craziness never end? Most of the folks who were given two months warning left with a sigh. I am not in the office so I have no idea how the final departures went. But more than one has left their work in quite a state of disrepair. Shambles really. Still getting calls from folks saying "why didn't so-and-so call me back?"

2013 - 9th Saturday

Work:
Crazy busy. Yes, another crazy busy week. But it's good because I've been able to keep up with the craziness. I am definitely showing my worth. I'm completing deliverables right and left. Sometimes I feel like a chicken with its' head cut off because there's so much, but I make it through.

2013 - 8th Saturday

Work:
Holy Cow Batman! Another layoff! A whole slew of my co-workers are being laid off. They weren't escorted out this week, but they were forewarned that their last day would be April 30. Being notified so early will allow all of them to continue working and getting paid, while looking for a new job.

2013 - 7th Saturday

Work:
No news is good news. Things are settling into a nice & quiet level of existence.

2013 - 6th Saturday

Work:
I found out from a co-worker that one of our counterparts was let go this week. Basically FIRED! No one made an official announcement to us. I got a call yesterday afternoon anticipating to touch base from a gal in our mid-west office and she spilled the news. I couldn't believe it. FIRED! The person who was let go did the same type of work that the guy in my office used to do. So I'm wondering if his leaving highlighted the fact that his work could be split between me and my co-worker. We're doing the work. We're just swamped every day -- every week. Hopefully someone is looking at the big picture and figuring out the long-range outlook will be for our jobs. Because I am busy. ALL. THE. TIME. Thank goodness I've got my job though. Right?

2013 - 5th Saturday

Work:
Changes at work once more. I've been kicking in about 50+ hours per week. It can be stressful and overwhelming. There are days when it doesn't feel like I've got enough time to get things done. What's most aggrevating for me are those days when changes are made and I'm not pulled into the loop. They get me involved when they need me to do something. I'm usually the one who has to finish the deliverable. So they (the infamous "they") decide what needs to get done and designate me to do it. THEN they let me know what's going on. How about asking me about the new aspect first and ask for my feedback on the workflow that would work best. Nope. They just dump it into my lap and expect me to fit it in. ARGH!

2013 - 2nd Saturday

Work:
This week we were fully staffed. Next week we'll again be shorthanded. And we'll be shorthanded for the future. Why? Because my co-worker put in his notice on Wednesday. And he notified my boss that his last day would be Friday. Yesterday! That's right. He gave less than 3 days notice that he'd be leaving the company. Our company has a call center and when our clients can't get a hold of their normal contact person, the reps call our office directly to find someone to help. The reps have joked with me if my soon-to-be ex-co-worker even exists. Most of them have NEVER talked to him. It seems that he has yet to pick up his phone when they call him. And he's worked at the company twice as long as I have. What's even funnier is that we have two other offices in the US and the folks who do the same thing as we do in those offices feel the same way. None of them have ever interacted with this guy. I laugh when they say things like "Is he for REAL? Or is he a ghost?" The only good thing I can see about him giving notice is that I'll get overtime pay. Woohoo!

2013 - 1st Saturday

Work:
I took off three days last week. It was so nice having those days off right after Christmas. I was able to extend the holiday. Sleeping in. Kicking back with the kids. But this week? Oy! I've been swamped. My co-worker took a couple days off before Christmas and then took the 3 days after New Years. So we've been short-handed. Two of us doing the work of three for about two weeks now. I've got about 6 more hours of work waiting for me to get to it before Monday. But I can't get motivated to log in.

Plan for 2013

I've had a difficult couple of years.

It's been physically and emotionally draining.

But I decided that I want to make 2013 a better year.

We're picking up the truck tomorrow

PD and I are picking up the moving trucking tomorrow morning.

My family is coming an hour or so later and we'll be loading until the house/garage are clear.

ARGH!

I can't believe it's tomorrow already.

We'll be packing up the TV and computer tonight, so this is my last bit before I get settled in the new place.

It'll be so nice to be in a one-story house. No more 3 story townhouse with shared walls on 2 sides.

It'll be nice to have a 2-car side-by-side garage WITH a driveway. No more 2-car tandem garage with a tiny shared cul-de-sac where I can't maneuver. I won't have to part on the street anymore and walk a 1/2 block to get into the place.

What's even better is that the new place is less expensive while still having more square footage AND having our own swimming pool. Score!

So tomorrow will definitely be more work. The carpet cleaners will be here around lunch and I'll be cleaning the place top-to-bottom after all our stuff is in the truck.

Tiring? Yes. But we'll soon all be together in one house. After two years, we'll all be together.

7 Days to Move

Seven days until we move! I can't believe the move is almost upon us.

Today was a BIG packing day. I cleared out my son's closet and dresser. The only clothes he's got now are the items from his laundry basket that I washed this morning. I packed all the toys that were in his closet as well. His closet is EMPTY. Amazing! While I packed up my daughter's clothes from HER closet and dresser, I didn't do anything else in her room. She's got papers, workbooks, and other miscellaneous items that I have no idea if she wants to keep or not. She's a tween. She's picky, while my son is not.

No...I'm not leaving

So announcement was made, but my boss had a meeting with me and one of my peers today.

My boss basically went through the changes that would be happening in the next couple of weeks. That I WAS NOT leaving the company. Ha-ha-ha!

4 Days and Counting

Today's training wasn't the 30 minutes that I'd allocated. It turned out to be 90 minutes. That's right. THREE times longer than I'd expected.

Luckily? I'd gone to the bathroom and filled my water bottle before I dialed into the conference call.

5 Days and Counting...maybe

I haven't received the final word about my job.

Potentially tomorrow will be my 5 day count down.

I will be training on a portion of someone's job tomorrow. Yes. TRAINING. It'll be with a gal who'll be going out on maternity leave soon. So if I DO stay, it'll be some temporary relief for her business unit.