Friday, December 19, 2014

The turmoil underneath

Life has been keeping me busy. I have let some things slide quite a bit. There are FANTASTIC things happening in many areas of my life. BUT a recent conversation over coffee made me contemplate a few things. I realize that I haven't quite yet healed from my divorce. While I am logical about what happened, there are underlying emotions that I've suppressed. There's an element of animosity that permeates me when I have to interact with PD. While I'm externally fine with the situation, I am internally still hurt about everything that happened. As my friend said....if I keep it suppressed, my feelings will one day bite me in the butt.

I need to make a point of delving inside and get my feelings out to the world. A purge of sorts.

As a kid, my goal as an adult was "to be happy." I didn't dream about having a big house. I didn't dream about having children. I didn't dream about being married. I just wanted to live a happy life. Not too lofty a goal. But I grew up with a very strict father who would not be shy to discipline me for the smallest infraction. I wanted to live without being under a microscope. I wanted to laugh and just be me. So...since I was young I chose to live honestly. If I were asked a question, I would give my answer. If someone didn't hear what I said, I wouldn't hesitate to repeat myself. Is that weird? I guess in this day and age, I might be an anomaly. I am what I am and that's all that I am! I was known in my family for being able to tell others the hard truth, especially when it's something difficult to swallow. It's not like I'm harsh about it, but I would tell people what they needed to hear. Hard love. You know?

I think that this is something that PD couldn't take. That I was honest about how I felt about him, the kids, my family, and my life. When he started hiding his feelings and his actions, he just repelled from me. I kind of ignored it at first. I brushed it off to him being tired from his job. I made excuses for his being detached to my family FOR YEARS! So while I was honest about my own personal feelings/life, I was walking through life with rosey colored glasses about him. I thought I had my perfect family of four. Still banging my head about how many years I was "covering" for his lack of....being there. Even my family would confess that they'd noticed how unattached PD was to EVERYONE for years and years. But they didn't say anything because they felt that if I was happy then everything was fine.

So my goal of a happy life was a mirage. Unbeknownst to me, a complete fallacy. And that really saddens me so very much.