The turmoil underneath

Life has been keeping me busy. I have let some things slide quite a bit. There are FANTASTIC things happening in many areas of my life. BUT a recent conversation over coffee made me contemplate a few things. I realize that I haven't quite yet healed from my divorce. While I am logical about what happened, there are underlying emotions that I've suppressed. There's an element of animosity that permeates me when I have to interact with PD. While I'm externally fine with the situation, I am internally still hurt about everything that happened. As my friend said....if I keep it suppressed, my feelings will one day bite me in the butt.

I need to make a point of delving inside and get my feelings out to the world. A purge of sorts.

As a kid, my goal as an adult was "to be happy." I didn't dream about having a big house. I didn't dream about having children. I didn't dream about being married. I just wanted to live a happy life. Not too lofty a goal. But I grew up with a very strict father who would not be shy to discipline me for the smallest infraction. I wanted to live without being under a microscope. I wanted to laugh and just be me. So...since I was young I chose to live honestly. If I were asked a question, I would give my answer. If someone didn't hear what I said, I wouldn't hesitate to repeat myself. Is that weird? I guess in this day and age, I might be an anomaly. I am what I am and that's all that I am! I was known in my family for being able to tell others the hard truth, especially when it's something difficult to swallow. It's not like I'm harsh about it, but I would tell people what they needed to hear. Hard love. You know?

I think that this is something that PD couldn't take. That I was honest about how I felt about him, the kids, my family, and my life. When he started hiding his feelings and his actions, he just repelled from me. I kind of ignored it at first. I brushed it off to him being tired from his job. I made excuses for his being detached to my family FOR YEARS! So while I was honest about my own personal feelings/life, I was walking through life with rosey colored glasses about him. I thought I had my perfect family of four. Still banging my head about how many years I was "covering" for his lack of....being there. Even my family would confess that they'd noticed how unattached PD was to EVERYONE for years and years. But they didn't say anything because they felt that if I was happy then everything was fine.

So my goal of a happy life was a mirage. Unbeknownst to me, a complete fallacy. And that really saddens me so very much.

2014 - 6th Sunday

I noticed the funniest thing the last few times we traded the kids.

PD has been AVOIDING me.

2014 - 5th Sunday

After a divorce, there are a vast majority that go through major ups and downs for a period of time. I've admitted that I have my down days (or moments), but in reality the transition to a single life has been pretty gosh darn smooth. That is in comparison to many other people who have gone through a divorce.

2014 - 4th Sunday

The kids were with their Dad this weekend, so I was able to venture out and do errands. Ha-ha! You all thought I'd party it up and go crazy? Naw...that's not my style. I'm too much of a Type A personality and like to stay in control. I've only ever been totally blitzed out of my mind twice in my life. I guess it was fun at the time, but I didn't like that numb feeling.

2014 - 1st Sunday

It's a brand new year!
Most people come up with resolutions.
Start Exercise.
Stop smoking.
Stop cursing.

Catching up

My life has definitely changed since I last posted in April. My divorce became final the last week in May. We told the kids the Sunday of Memorial Weekend that he would be moving the next weekend.

He called the kids from the other rooms and we sat on our two couches.

PD: We have to tell you something important. Your Mom and I are getting divorced. I'll be moving down to the house this coming weekend.

2013 - 17th Saturday

Work:
Will the craziness never end? Most of the folks who were given two months warning left with a sigh. I am not in the office so I have no idea how the final departures went. But more than one has left their work in quite a state of disrepair. Shambles really. Still getting calls from folks saying "why didn't so-and-so call me back?"