Sunday, January 26, 2014

2014 - 4th Sunday

The kids were with their Dad this weekend, so I was able to venture out and do errands. Ha-ha! You all thought I'd party it up and go crazy? Naw...that's not my style. I'm too much of a Type A personality and like to stay in control. I've only ever been totally blitzed out of my mind twice in my life. I guess it was fun at the time, but I didn't like that numb feeling.

I actually did something new. I went to a car show at my local Harley Davidson dealership. There were lots of different types of vehicles and it was interesting looking at how the owners spiffed them up.

Last Sunday I was feeling horrible for a couple hours. I was going through and deleting old emails. I read about a dozen or so when tears just began to well up in my eyes. Reading through those emails from a dark time in my life was surreal. I remember how I felt when I initially received each of those items. How horrible I felt about myself and about my life. It still truly amazes me how people in this world can be so deceptive and so cruel. How people can be so comfortable telling lies. I have to say that lies of omission are just as bad as spoken lies.

Me: I love you (in my mind meaning I love you with all my heart)
Him: I love you too (in his mind meaning I love you as the Mother of my children)

There really should be no need to decipher what "I love you" means when someone says it to you. But I found out that every time he said he was thinking HIS OWN interpretation. Sad but true. He didn't love me anymore. He loved that I was the mother of our children. So while I meant the words with my heart, he was meaning something altogether different. WHO DOES THAT? My ex.

We're divorced now and my life is so different now. While I still have those moments (or those days) when I feel unsure, for the most part I'm in a healthier place. I'm no longer crying every night. I'm not walking on pines and needles. I'm not overthinking every word I say. I'm not censoring how I act in my life. I'm free to be me now. It's amazing to live unguarded. AMAZING!

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