Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Reaction versus reality - Life Changes 2

When I was young, I figured that if someone wanted a divorce that you should just let them go.

Knee-jerk reaction.

That was me as a young'un.

Now that I'm faced with the reality of a divorce, I'm changing my sense of what I need to do.

I've been married for more than 15 years and I wasn't going to take a potential divorce lying down.

I'm a fighter.

And I wanted to keep my marriage intact.

I told my husband exactly that.

I seriously don't think he expected me to say that I wasn't giving up.

That I wasn't going to just accept his decision.

I spoke to him on Monday morning.

I spoke to him again tonight.

It was about 20 to 25 minutes max.

But I brought up a LOT of things.

And he listened.

I could hear the cogs turning in his brain as my words came over the phone lines.

I could hear the hesitation.

The uncertainty.

The last two days were MOST we've talked about our relationship in ages.

There (of course) is still the potential for a divorce but I'm working on our communication.

I think THAT was what was missing in last months.

We talked about stuff with the kids.

We weren't really talking to each other about WHAT we were feeling.

The loneliness.

The exhaustion.

The loss.

I think that's why he hasn't felt like we were married.

We weren't talking like a married couple.

We were talking clinically to each other like acquaintances.

I think our last two conversations has broken down the walls a bit.

I think that hearing MY voice break brought him to a reality that I was truly devastated by his decision.

Hopefully we'll continue to talk.

To rebuild our relationship.

To talk about our true feelings in the raw -- not covered up and explained all pretty.

To discuss what we mean to each other.

I hope that our conversations will bring us closer than we've ever been until we finally can see each other again.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Getting in touch with my Emotions - Life Changes 1

I have cried more than a couple times since my husband emailed me on Thursday night that he wants a divorce.

Initially, I was numb.

The reality of his words hit me while I was at work.

I had to take a few minutes to allow myself to let the anguish that had built up out.

I feel like I have an empty cavern in my chest.

The light that was in my heart is now gone.

The dream that I had has been extinguished - in a flash.

My tears have been hot and hard but thankfully brief and away from the kids.

I actually had my first short outburst in front of the kids just before they went to bed.

My daughter was not happy that it was bedtime.

The son was sassy and was stomping his feet. When I told him to return to me, he continued up the stairs. I had to yell at him to get back over to me to discuss his behavior. After I spoke to him and he was walking upstairs, I just lost it.

Me: I guess I can't do ANYTHING right. I'm the one who makes everyone's life miserable, eh?

Not a pretty cry. I was a dirty old sobbing mess for a couple minutes.


My daughter came up behind me and hugged me as I sobbed. She is such a good girl.

Since Thursday night, I have been hugging and kissing the kids more trying to find solace in their love.

I'm sure I'll be crying off and on for as long as this will take.

I just hate the vast uncertainly of my future (the kids and mine).

I think that's what's causing my angst.

I think that's what's causing my blood pressure to increase.


Life...It's just kicking me in the teeth right now and I just have to face it.

I need to believe that there is a plan and things will work out.

Friday, September 16, 2011

So he's finally let me know

I found out yesterday that he does indeed want a divorce.

He didn't speak.

He sent me an email to let me know to expect divorce papers next week.


Can you believe that?

I didn't even cry about it last night when I read it after I tucked the kids into bed.

I'm just numb.


The shoe has dropped.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


Labor Day visit? Cancelled.

Daughter's birthday visit? Cancelled.

Oct 1st visit? Cancelled.

He's now supposed to come out October 8th. Who knows if he'll actually come out or not? I wouldn't be surprised if he cancels that visit as well.