I have cried more than a couple times since my husband emailed me on Thursday night that he wants a divorce.
Initially, I was numb.
The reality of his words hit me while I was at work.
I had to take a few minutes to allow myself to let the anguish that had built up out.
I feel like I have an empty cavern in my chest.
The light that was in my heart is now gone.
The dream that I had has been extinguished - in a flash.
My tears have been hot and hard but thankfully brief and away from the kids.
I actually had my first short outburst in front of the kids just before they went to bed.
My daughter was not happy that it was bedtime.
The son was sassy and was stomping his feet. When I told him to return to me, he continued up the stairs. I had to yell at him to get back over to me to discuss his behavior. After I spoke to him and he was walking upstairs, I just lost it.
Me: I guess I can't do ANYTHING right. I'm the one who makes everyone's life miserable, eh?
Not a pretty cry. I was a dirty old sobbing mess for a couple minutes.
My daughter came up behind me and hugged me as I sobbed. She is such a good girl.
Since Thursday night, I have been hugging and kissing the kids more trying to find solace in their love.
I'm sure I'll be crying off and on for as long as this will take.
I just hate the vast uncertainly of my future (the kids and mine).
I think that's what's causing my angst.
I think that's what's causing my blood pressure to increase.
Life...It's just kicking me in the teeth right now and I just have to face it.
I need to believe that there is a plan and things will work out.