Between Marriage & Divorce - 31

October is now at an end.

My commitment to post something every day in October is complete.

The timing was something else. The focus was "Between" and I'm definitely at that point in my life.

I don't know if I'll continue to post every day.

I have to say that it has been difficult.

But I will continue to write.

Write about how things are going in this "between" stage that I'm floundering in.

The writing may have been difficult but living in this state of unknown is even harder.

Getting my balance back is what I'm trying to get to.

Who knows when I'll get there.

But I'll take it like I've been.

One day at a time.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 30

When PD was out here, we had a nice time.

One moment that stands out in my mind happened that Friday. When the Bear was at school and the Princess was coming back from camp.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 29

I know some of you are curious.

Did PD and I get intimate while he was out here?

Between Marriage & Divorce - 28

We've actually got a new goal.

A new goal?

Yes. A new one.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 27

October 9

I have to say that this was a good reunion. PD now understands that we love him and always have.

PD said that he changed his mind about sending me the divorce papers when I told him that I didn't want a divorce.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 26

PD and I talked a lot while he was out here.

To tell you the truth, I don't think PD ever really knows how he felt and why he felt it. He just did. THAT is the impression I'm getting.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 25

October 6

PD is here!

PD seemed pleased to be here when BB and I went to pick him up.

I wasn't sure how to act when I first saw him.

I'm not sure how he felt about how hesitant I was being.

But who could blame me for being hesitant? I mean, really?

We were both cautious with each other on the drive home. Mainly sticking to "safe" topics and interacting with BB.

Once BB was in bed, PD and I were able to talk. I did get a little perturbed with him at one point. I asked him a question and he gave me one of his "I don't know" responses. I looked at him and shook my head. I then walked upstairs. And took a HOT shower.

Yes. This is how I handled my discontent. I took a hot shower. It's something that my Mom used to do when she was upset with my father.The act of showering would change her mood. Like she'd wash away the bad emotions. And so? That's what I did.

I have to tell you that I felt SO much better once I'd taken a shower. I washed off my day at work. I washed off my negative feelings. I then came back to PD on the couch with a clean mind.

We were able to talk. Really talk. Of course, he was tired and so was I. We went to bed. Together. And it felt right.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 24

October 5

PD is coming in tomorrow!

I'm actually really nervous about tomorrow.

I'm actually really excited about tomorrow.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 23

October 4

I'm pretty amazed at how much better I feel now than I did 2 1/2 weeks ago.

Hopefully our marriage has grown stronger in these past weeks. And I hope the rebuilding will continue. It all really hinges on how this visit goes. We'll be able to hang out as a family with no interruptions. Be a foursome once more.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 22

I wonder what Michelle thinks about what has happened. I don't know what PD said to her when he broke up with her. I'd really like to know how he said it. Was it in person or over the phone?

Between Marriage & Divorce - 21

I have to tell you that PS told me her name in one of the first conversations we had after the email he sent me.

What I didn't mention to you is that I asked what her name is and he answered. I'll call her...Michelle. He only gave me her first name.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 20

Do you know anyone who has experienced a mid-life crisis?

A couple months back, one of my BIL's had a break. He was actually so stressed that he almost committed suicide. He was a hair's breath away from killing himself. I couldn't believe it when my sister told me.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 19

We're all flawed.

I hope PD and I can forgive each others faults that brought us to this place and move beyond it.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 18

September 29

PD will be here in a week! I'm in full prep mode. He'll arrive about 7pm in seven days! Right now I'm washing all his stuff. His sweats. His jammies. His socks. By the time I go to bed, all his stuff will be fresh and clean I wonder if he'll even notice?

Between Marriage & Divorce - 17

Happy Birthday to me!

A quiet day really. My sister (BE) and the family sent me a gift at work. The flowers were on my desk when I arrived. They brightened my desk and my day. AE sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday. PD sent me an email first thing when he got to work.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 16

I'm on the verge of my birthday.

I should be greeting the day with joy and happiness, but I'm a state of questions and anxiety. That's how I feel. PD has made me question myself. My worth. My purpose. My aim in life.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 15

PD did reveal some sad news.

His cousin RS is in the process of divorcing DS.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 14

As you can see, I REALLY grilled my husband. And I thank goodness that he's been responding to my inquiries.

After I put him through the this last round of questions, I let him know about a few hurtful moments from this year.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 13

So PD called me like he said he would today (Sep 26). We had another almost hour-long talk. Poor dear had to suffer through another question/answer session. I can't help it. My mind is full of questions. He doesn't readily reveal things, so it's up to me to pry. That's how it feels. But I'm working to improve our relationship and this is the only way I feel that I can. To understand him through the answers he gives me.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 12

Today (Sep 24) was a quiet day. Very subdued. Kind of like my mood.

But my heart did feel good at the end of yesterday's conversation. Yes. After all those questions, we ended it well.

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I didn't write for a couple days. Too much going on. I continued on September 23rd.

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Last night I emailed PD and thanked him for being patient with me this week. That it felt great to touch base with him and to hear his voice. I suggested that while our daily talks were great...that I wanted to have a long talk with him at least once a week. I asked him to call me today after work. And he actually CALLED ME at 7:40pm just after BB and I got home from football practice.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 10

And we move to September 20th

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It was a quiet day at work. When we talked yesterday and ended our conversation, PD said that he'd call me later. By the end of today, I couldn't help it. I called him. I had to know.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 9

My voyage continued on Monday, September 19th...

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I wanted to talk to PD this morning. Rather than just call him, I emailed him the subject line "Please give me a buzz when you can." Amazingly, he called me a few minutes later. I didn't have a game plan in my mind as to what I was going to say to him. But I did want to speak with him since I didn't speak to him on Sunday. I mean, I was away from the kids and the office was quiet. So I thought I'd give it a try. I was pretty surprised he called me back so quickly. I don't remember what order I started saying things, but I got a lot of things off my chest.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 8

The kids have typically been speaking with PD every weekend. On that first Sunday after the news, I had LG call PD's side of the family. This way SHE was in control of the situation and wouldn't just be sitting their waiting for all of them to call her.

LG called PD around 1:30pm on both his cell and the house phone. She had figured that he'd be awake and possibly sitting watching some football by that time. But he didn't pick up either phone. Of course, my mind went directly to the possibility that he was somewhere with his girlfriend. HIS. GIRLFRIEND. Probably out to lunch. Maybe just having sex. Who knows.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 7

Early on that first Saturday night after I heard about the divorce, I was in a sad mood and asked my daughter for a hug. She came up to me and gave me a great hug. I kissed her on her little head and thanked her.

Before taking her shower, my girl came up and gave me another hug and a kiss good night. This time around she actually stopped to talk.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 6

Trust is a big thing for me. It's a trigger point.In my own experience, if someone lies to me it's very hard to earn that trust back. I always seem to remember it.

I try to talk with the kids about the importance of trust. That they should tell the truth. I hope I'm able to instill in them a good grasp of trust so they can equate that to how people or friends treat them. And then how they should treat their friends.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 5

Needless to say, I had a difficult couple of weeks. My world has turned upside down. Here's more from my journal...

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Until the evening of September 15, I believed that we would be together again. That it was only a matter of time for our foursome to be united. Now it'll be the three of us. I mean, PD made no indication that he wants to see the kids any more than Christmas and Thanksgiving. PD said that we'd "play it by ear" for visitation. What? So he'll see them when it's convenient for him? I don't know. I just don't know. Does he even love them? His actions don't show me that. Even if he doesn't care about me, he should take the time for them. Or am I totally wrong in that regard?

Between Marriage & Divorce - 4

I mentioned that I talked to PD the day after he told me he wanted a divorce. But yesterday I didn't list all the questions that I asked him. I wasn't sure if I should.

It took me by surprise when he answered that last question #7. I'm in CA and he's in AZ. Yes, because that was our plan. But he was supposed to follow through with his part and find a job out here. No matter how long it took. Because of that answer he gave me? I went and bit the bullet and forged to a place I didn't want to go.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 3

When I got into work early Friday morning of September 16, I emailed PD and asked that he give me a call so we could talk for a few minutes. I wanted to talk to him briefly about his email. I had so much going on in my head that I needed to hear his voice and hear his answers.

Between Marriage & Divorce - 2

When I moved out to CA in May 2010, PD and I had a plan. I would start a new job and get a house set up. I'd take the kids so they could get settled into a school. PD would start a job search but continue with his job. This way we'd continue with a steady income to cover the mortgage on our house and expenses he was helping me with. That was OUR plan.

PD agreed that 15 year in AZ was enough time. That it was my turn to decide where we live. And I picked CA!

Between Marriage & Divorce - 1

Who knew that when I started this blog in June that my life would lead down this path? I thought that I was happy. That my world was in a good place. But now I'm at that point between marriage and divorce. I'm definitely Taking Life On...one day at a time.

Since I was a teenager, I would write when I was going through stuff. No fancy journal needed. I'd just grab a notebook and get things down on paper. The act of writing things down in a jumble would allow me to get my confused thoughts out. Just out. Which, for me, would help relieve some tension.