Sunday, October 09, 2011

Between Marriage & Divorce - 9

My voyage continued on Monday, September 19th...


I wanted to talk to PD this morning. Rather than just call him, I emailed him the subject line "Please give me a buzz when you can." Amazingly, he called me a few minutes later. I didn't have a game plan in my mind as to what I was going to say to him. But I did want to speak with him since I didn't speak to him on Sunday. I mean, I was away from the kids and the office was quiet. So I thought I'd give it a try. I was pretty surprised he called me back so quickly. I don't remember what order I started saying things, but I got a lot of things off my chest.

I told him that I know he doesn't like it when I get emotional, but that I've been crying off and on since Thursday night. That if feels like my heart has been ripped out and there is a deep void in my chest. I explained to him that if he would have talked to me as much as he'd spoken to her than we'd probably be in a different place. Basically, if he'd just opened up to me rather than shut down we'd be in a healthier place in our relationship.

I told him that if he'd ASKED me to move back, then I would have. I'd leave my sisters and my folks here in CA because he and the kids are my first priority. If only he'd just asked me. He said that he knew that the kids and I were happy here. I told him that the kids and I try to stay busy, but we're filling our time. The thing that's missing is him. That the kids miss him so much. That just the previous night, our son was tired and cried to me that he missed PD. I comforted BB and let him know that his Dad would be here in a few weeks. I told PD that no matter what happens that he NEEDS to be here Oct 8th because he does not want to disappoint the kids.

I told him that the timeframe that the kids and I have been gone has been kind of about the same timeframe that HE was gone when he was in the Navy. Training. Workups. 2 deployments. At least 15 months. And I never strayed. Not once. Why? Because I love him. Simple as that.

If he'd said something about how he was feeling and that I was in a fight for my marriage than I'm fighting. I am not giving up on my marriage. I am NOT giving up on us. I can still see the two of us as old people with our kid and grandkids around us. I can still see it.

Do you know how much I love you? Do you? There's nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I took my vows seriously. Through thick and thin. Through good times and bad. I'm not giving up. I've been beside you through it all. The navy. The various jobs. I've always encouraged you. Your MBA. Your CFA. Who has been beside you through all this? Me. Because I love and believe in you.

PD was quiet through my marathon of talking. I'm glad that he was too. Because that allowed me to release all the thoughts that were bottled up inside me since that Thursday night. He actually heard my emotion, my feelings, the hurt and pain, and all my words.

The last two conversations we've had have been the most we've delved into our relationship in ages. In his silence, I hope that he actually HEARD what I wanted him to hear. My devotion. My love. All that he means to me. I hope he actually heard it all. And that he is really thinking about what he's been doing and how his actions have (or will) affect our family. I hope my words are now echoing in his mind, as his words echoed through mine since Thursday night.

I'm hoping and praying he chooses us -- our family. I'm hoping. I'm hoping.

I asked him early on in our conversation about where I should expect the divorce papers. At work or at home. He said that he hadn't sent them yet. So I'm hoping that he'll toss those papers in the shredder. That he realized that we still love him deeply. That has never changed for us. He just thought our feelings had. Like I told him -- we try to "fill" our time. That doesn't make our desire for him to be with us any less. I hope he picks us. I hope he breaks up with that girl tonight. I hope he picks our kids and our marriage.

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