Saturday, October 08, 2011

Between Marriage & Divorce - 8

The kids have typically been speaking with PD every weekend. On that first Sunday after the news, I had LG call PD's side of the family. This way SHE was in control of the situation and wouldn't just be sitting their waiting for all of them to call her.

LG called PD around 1:30pm on both his cell and the house phone. She had figured that he'd be awake and possibly sitting watching some football by that time. But he didn't pick up either phone. Of course, my mind went directly to the possibility that he was somewhere with his girlfriend. HIS. GIRLFRIEND. Probably out to lunch. Maybe just having sex. Who knows.

Anyway, PD ended up calling LG back from the house phone around 2:30pm. No explanation (of course) of where he was earlier. I guess LG had a nice talk with PD. She told him all the stuff she was up to. About school. About the errands we had to run to get supplies for school. About us window shopping for a couch since our current one has a rip in one of the cushions. My Baby Boy (BB) got to talk to PD next. BB talked about football and how school was going for him.

As he always does, BB asked PD if he wanted to talk to me. And as always, PD says "does she want to talk to me?" I had my hand up just as BB asked the questions. While I DID want to speak to him, I did not want to do so in front of the kids. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't strong enough. I'd had an emotional few days and I didn't want to break down.

Instead, I called him at home and on his cell around 6pm. He didn't answer. He actually had his cell off since it went directly to voicemail. I called him at the house again after putting the kids to bed around 8:30pm and he still didn't pick up.He must have been with her again and didn't want to be disturbed. OR he was just avoiding me.

The question in my head is would I still take him back knowing he wants a divorce. You know? I actually would. Why? Because I still love him. Until that Thursday night, I thought we'd still be growing old together. Can I forgive his affair? I believe I can. But we'd have to have some major discussions on what led him to have an affair.

If he'd have asked me, I would have moved back to AZ. But he never asked. When I spoke to him that Friday after the news, he said something along the liens of "I know you wouldn't be happy moving back to AZ..." But he assumed that I wouldn't move. He assumed! He didn't bother asking me. If he'd asked, I would have because I love him. I would have moved back because then I would have known that the separation was too hard on him. I would have moved back because it would have been the best for our family.

In starting his affair, he had to TALK to this girl. If only he'd taken the time to talk to me instead. REALLY talk to me. But as I keep on saying, he didn't say anything. When we spoke on that Friday after the news, I did say to him that I've emailed him and he didn't respond. I've left him voicemails and he didn't respond. That I've been reaching out to him time and time again. And received nothing back. And I said that's why I don't understand why he's decided what he's decided. It's not like I haven't been communicating with him. I have. He just kept ignoring me right and left. And that leaves me with nothing to do but wait some more.

I'm a fighter but I didn't realize I was in a fight this year. Now it seems like it's too late.


  1. I just read your posts all the way back to the email you got. Just wanted to say that you write about what you are going through very well. I wish you and your children well, and good luck facing all these changes.

  2. Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it. Things will work out one way or another.