Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Reaction versus reality - Life Changes 2

When I was young, I figured that if someone wanted a divorce that you should just let them go.

Knee-jerk reaction.

That was me as a young'un.

Now that I'm faced with the reality of a divorce, I'm changing my sense of what I need to do.

I've been married for more than 15 years and I wasn't going to take a potential divorce lying down.

I'm a fighter.

And I wanted to keep my marriage intact.

I told my husband exactly that.

I seriously don't think he expected me to say that I wasn't giving up.

That I wasn't going to just accept his decision.

I spoke to him on Monday morning.

I spoke to him again tonight.

It was about 20 to 25 minutes max.

But I brought up a LOT of things.

And he listened.

I could hear the cogs turning in his brain as my words came over the phone lines.

I could hear the hesitation.

The uncertainty.

The last two days were MOST we've talked about our relationship in ages.

There (of course) is still the potential for a divorce but I'm working on our communication.

I think THAT was what was missing in last months.

We talked about stuff with the kids.

We weren't really talking to each other about WHAT we were feeling.

The loneliness.

The exhaustion.

The loss.

I think that's why he hasn't felt like we were married.

We weren't talking like a married couple.

We were talking clinically to each other like acquaintances.

I think our last two conversations has broken down the walls a bit.

I think that hearing MY voice break brought him to a reality that I was truly devastated by his decision.

Hopefully we'll continue to talk.

To rebuild our relationship.

To talk about our true feelings in the raw -- not covered up and explained all pretty.

To discuss what we mean to each other.

I hope that our conversations will bring us closer than we've ever been until we finally can see each other again.

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