Saturday, October 01, 2011

Between Marriage & Divorce - 1

Who knew that when I started this blog in June that my life would lead down this path? I thought that I was happy. That my world was in a good place. But now I'm at that point between marriage and divorce. I'm definitely Taking Life day at a time.

Since I was a teenager, I would write when I was going through stuff. No fancy journal needed. I'd just grab a notebook and get things down on paper. The act of writing things down in a jumble would allow me to get my confused thoughts out. Just out. Which, for me, would help relieve some tension.


While I knew that PD was upset with how things were going with his job search, his email took me by surprise. He wants a divorce but he never spoke to me about it. He never took the time to discuss how he was feeling. He never told me or gave me an opportunity to work it out. PD just walked away. Walked away without any discussion.

The last time he saw me and the kids was July 4th weekend. The kids and I went out to AZ since it was a long weekend. I had called him a couple months earlier to let him know that we could come out Memorial weekend but he told me not to. That there was no furniture to sit on and nothing for the kids to do. So I respected his decision and stayed put.

When we saw him over July 4th weekend, he was distant to me. The kids stayed at my BIL's house the one night and the plan was that we were supposed to get a night out together. But my SIL's water heater blew, so I understood that PD would help his Dad out and install a new one. That was the right thing to do rather be selfish & want to be with him myself. Right?

When we went out to dinner with his family, he sat away from me. At the movies with the kids, he had them sit between us. When we were in the car together, I reached over and held his hand. After a few minutes, he put my hand down. He snubbed me in this small (but large) way. He was blocking me out even then. And after that visit, his distance became more and more apparent to me. He didn't answer emails. He didn't talk to me voluntarily when he called the kids.

Then there all those visits that he scheduled and re-scheduled. Each expected visit was pushed out to a further date. I didn't understand what would be preventing him from coming out to visit us. He had his job. Then his new job. But those jobs wouldn't prevent him from driving out to see us. He used to drive from CA to AZ all the time to visit with his folks. He would leave Friday and come back Sunday. Not a long visit but he'd do it. What is the difference now? Well, the email he sent me is the difference.

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