Keeping my emotions in check

When I was little, I was sensitive. When I got older, I was able to hide my feelings.

Some might say I was able to hide my feelings too well.

I became the one who would stoically go through life.

I made a point of not allowing others to see the hurt. To see the pain. To let them know they were getting under my skin. Not showing them that they had power over me.

Yes. I kept myself sheltered emotionally. I kept things under wraps.

And now? I feel like I'm trying to keep things to myself once more. At least on the outside to those that know me.

I'm so troubled by what's going on with my marriage. I don't want to bring up how I'm feeling to my husband over the phone. It's just not something you want to talk about without SEEING the other person, you know? I want to see his face as we talk about our relationship. Or what I see as the lack of one.

I can no longer truthfully say that "I can still see in my mind’s eye the two of us an old married couple walking hand in hand." I can't see it anymore in my mind's eye and it breaks my heart. I can't talk about this stuff with my Mom. Not with my sisters. I'm dealing with this emotional roller coaster on my own.

It would be totally different if my husband would show me a bit of support. A bit of love and affection. I called his office a couple times today. While I didn't leave messages, I know that (like me) he checks his caller ID when he gets back to his desk. He didn't call me back. He didn't.

Don’t ever doubt that I will stand by you no matter what.
Don’t ever doubt that I will love you forever.

I really wonder if I'll be able to say or write those word ever again. [sigh]

Watching it crumble

From my own point of view, my marriage feels like it's falling apart.

I don't know how my husband sees things from where he's standing but I just feel like my marriage is crumbling.

It could be just a basic disconnect we feel because we haven't lived together in over a year. You know the initial awkwardness you feel when you haven't seen someone in a long time? THAT is what I'm talking about.

Am I overthinking it?

I don't know. I don't know.

He's been so distant.

Back in March before our anniversary, we were ending our discussion and I said "...love you". Then he said something like "do you?" And I responded with "of course I do." Then a few days later I sent him an email.

Here it is:

You recently asked me why I love you.

You took me by surprise with that question.

How can I dissect the reasons why I love you?

Could it be your dry wit?

Could it be your references to movies that I’ve never watched?

Could it be your memory that helps you recall moments in your past with crazy detail?

Could it just be that you are just you?

You came to me when I had formulated in my own mind that I’d be alone the rest of my life.

Suddenly, there you were.

And there was no going back.

You accepted me just as I was.

Me with all my type-A demands.

Oh, my demanding ways.

You take things about me in stride.

You’re steady when I’m like a roller coaster.

And you know how often I can go up and down.

Just hearing your voice calms me.

I remember when you were on deployment and you’d call in the middle of the night.

I would jolt awake happy knowing that you were on the other side of the line.

To hear your voice would sooth my soul and warms my heart.

And you still have that affect on me.

I don’t know when I actually fell in love with you.

There was not one point in time.

It’s about our journey that first year where I learned that I could totally trust you.

I didn’t have to put up guard up when I was with you.

I remember one night when I fell asleep in your car as you drove us home. I fell asleep and it was okay.

I didn’t have to try to be anything but ME when I was with you.

There are relationships that are like firecrackers, which are all sparkle and flash that end up burning out fast.

While we have our rocky points (like all couples), I’d say our love burns like coal with a deep steady heat that when tended lasts forever.

I love you for the man you were in your 20s.

I love you for the man you are today.

I love you for the man you are yet to be.

I can still see in my mind’s eye the two of us an old married couple walking hand in hand.

Don’t ever doubt that I will support decisions you make.

Don’t ever doubt that I will stand by you no matter what.

Don’t ever doubt that I will love you forever.

After all that...he responded with an email that simply said "Happy Anniversary"

He doesn't end our calls with "...love you". It feels like our talks are like business calls.Get to the point. No miscellaneous mumbo-jumbo.

I called him at work Wednesday afternoon. I wanted to get him up-to-speed about my latest doctor's visit.

Me: Hey, it's me.
Hubby: Hey, what's up?
Me: I saw the doctor yesterday for a check-up.
Hubby: So, how'd it go?
Me: After talking to the doctor, she has me scheduled for an endoscopy in a few weeks.
Hubby: Oh yeah? They're gonna stick something up your butt?
Me:Uh, no. They're going to check out my esophogus and stomach to check for anything weird. With my heartburn acting up and me at a pretty high dosage of meds, my doctor says my symptoms have got her stumped. I'm not overweight. I'm not a smoker. I'm not a drinker. And I'm young compared to other folks who have my level of medication.
Hubby: Are you concerned?
Me: A little I guess.
Hubby: Okay.

Folks, that's all I got. That's all the empathy I got from him. [sigh]

Now if you're spouse was having a procedure done where sedation is required, wouldn't you be just even a little bit concerned? Wouldn't you want to know why a doctor was scheduling that type of procedure? Would you say some comforting words of encouragement?

So with all things as they are, my mind is going into overdrive.

After all this time, does my husband just want to be single?

Is my husband seeing someone else?

Has my husband given up on our marriage?

Is my husband no longer in love with me?

Yeah. Overdrive.

The look that I'm longing for

I'm watching the first episode of the second season of Rookie Blue right now.

I was half watching and then it happened. Just over 13 minutes into the episode.

Sam found Andy and pulled her behind a communications truck. Sam took Andy's face in between his hands and looked into her eyes.

It was a look. A look filled with concern and love.

It's a look that I wish someone would give me.

It seems like ages since someone has looked at me with eyes filled with such emotion.

That one look reminded me of what I've been missing.

Reminded me of something that I didn't realize I'd lost.

Relationships can be so hard

People.

There are times when I am so confused as to why things are the way they are.

Loads of things are logical.

But relationships? Those can be just so darn complicated.

I love my husband, but right this very moment I don't like him very much.

The kids and I hadn't seen him in over 5 1/2 months. We were all excited to see him.

But I am sad.

My husband didn't seem to have any interest in being near me.

He seemed so blase about the situation.

When I sat on the couch, I sat next to him.

When we were in the pool, I tried to be near him.

I attempted to initiate physical contact and it didn't seem like he wanted to reciprocate.

It felt like...I was a bother.

When I went to hold his hand in the car, he didn't take my entire hand as he would normally do. He took a couple fingers around my left pinky.

So I don't know what's going on.

I'm confused.

I'm worried.

I have no idea what he's thinking about us. Our marriage.

Do I still have a marriage?

Is it falling apart because of the physical separation?

Is he seeing someone there while I'm here?

[sigh]

I can only trust in the Lord and believe that He has a plan for me and the kids.