Saturday, July 23, 2011

Keeping my emotions in check

When I was little, I was sensitive. When I got older, I was able to hide my feelings.

Some might say I was able to hide my feelings too well.

I became the one who would stoically go through life.

I made a point of not allowing others to see the hurt. To see the pain. To let them know they were getting under my skin. Not showing them that they had power over me.

Yes. I kept myself sheltered emotionally. I kept things under wraps.

And now? I feel like I'm trying to keep things to myself once more. At least on the outside to those that know me.

I'm so troubled by what's going on with my marriage. I don't want to bring up how I'm feeling to my husband over the phone. It's just not something you want to talk about without SEEING the other person, you know? I want to see his face as we talk about our relationship. Or what I see as the lack of one.

I can no longer truthfully say that "I can still see in my mind’s eye the two of us an old married couple walking hand in hand." I can't see it anymore in my mind's eye and it breaks my heart. I can't talk about this stuff with my Mom. Not with my sisters. I'm dealing with this emotional roller coaster on my own.

It would be totally different if my husband would show me a bit of support. A bit of love and affection. I called his office a couple times today. While I didn't leave messages, I know that (like me) he checks his caller ID when he gets back to his desk. He didn't call me back. He didn't.

Don’t ever doubt that I will stand by you no matter what.
Don’t ever doubt that I will love you forever.

I really wonder if I'll be able to say or write those word ever again. [sigh]

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