I'm on the verge of my birthday.
I should be greeting the day with joy and happiness, but I'm a state of questions and anxiety. That's how I feel. PD has made me question myself. My worth. My purpose. My aim in life.
I was blind-sided by his request for a divorce.I didn't realize we'd gotten to that stage in our relationship. I was still thinking we were good to go with our plan. But he got off that traintrack miles and miles earlier. Way earlier than I'd even considered. I'm still up-in-arms confused that he was going to send me divorce papers without talking to me first.
Then there's the fact that he was having an affair. It just blows my mind. Where did he think that his actions were anywhere near okay? We're married according to the church. We're married according to the state. And there he went to that girl's house once or twice a week. Sure he says that there was guilt on his part but he continued to have his affair. I mean, if you feel guilty then you're doing something wrong. If you're innocent then you wouldn't feel guilty.
So my husband had an affair. My husband is an adulterer. He had sex with another woman who knew he was married . He had an affair for about 6 months. SIX. MONTHS. Why did he do it? Why?
I ask him questions to get to some cause. Some basis for how he came to feel the way he did. And I hate when he says "I don't know." You jeopardize 15 years of marriage with "I don't know"? You should know the reasons for your actions. Reasons! No matter how big or small a reason might be.
PD has to give me more answers. Something. Because without answers then how are we going to fix this? I'm in that "man mode" of getting reasons and finding a solution. Is it so hard to look within yourself and find some explanation for your actions? What pushed you over the edge to think adultery was okay? What situation caused you to break your vows of marriage?
The physical loneliness alone shouldn't be what would bring all this on. There had to be other components to this puzzle. I get physically lonely. My body aches to be loved. But I wait patiently for him. Crazy, eh? While I'm pining away for him here, he was having sex one or two times a week with that woman.
My trust in him is weak at this moment. How can I trust him again? Can he hold out until next summer? I don't know. I just don't know. He couldn't hold out a year before starting up with that woman. Summer is 9 months from now. I'm hopeful but truthfully I'm not confident. I think I'd feel more confident if he would open up to me more. Tell me the burden that weighed heavy on him. Tell me the depth of the loneliness that he felt. Tell me what I could have done to quell any issues. Tell me what I did to turn him off. Tell me what broke in him to think it was okay to turn away from me and into the arms of another woman.
The thought of him having sex while the kids and I are struggling to make ends meet here. The thought that his hands were on another woman's body. The thought of him being with her a minimum of 20 times. The thought of his lips on her body. The thought of him moaning in ecstasy before his release. The thought of the pleasure he was giving her. The thought that when/if he and I have sex that he'll be envisioning her in his mind. That he'll be thinking of her when he's with me. That he'll realize that he enjoyed her company more than mine.
I thought that he was mine for eternity. And to be told that isn't/wasn't the case devastates me.
I hope we can rebuilt our marriage. I hope I can trust him again with my heart. I hope that he wants to work WITH me to get us back to where where we were. But he has to work with me. I shouldn't be the only one trying to mend our relationship. He's the one who ripped it apart. But I do need him to give me "something" to build upon. Something.
Does he really want to save our marriage? THAT is the question.