Monday, October 17, 2011

Between Marriage & Divorce - 17

Happy Birthday to me!

A quiet day really. My sister (BE) and the family sent me a gift at work. The flowers were on my desk when I arrived. They brightened my desk and my day. AE sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday. PD sent me an email first thing when he got to work.

I asked PD to leave me a voicemail on my cell with some words of encouragement so I could listen to his voice when I'm down and feeling lonely. He let me a message after he left work. Not exactly the kind of message I intended for him to leave me. He said he'd gotten my email and was calling like I requested. Then he launched into stuff about this contest he wants the kids to enter at his work. There was no "I love you" - or "I miss you" or "I can't wait to see you" anywhere in there. THAT was what I wanted to hear. I guess I needed to be more specific?

I would think that he'd know or sense what I needed. Words that would help me feel loved. Words that would sooth my restless and currently jealous self. Kind of like the message I sent to him right after I heard his message. I put in the words I needed to hear into my message to him. "I love you" and "I miss you" and "I can't wait to see you next week."

I know PD isn't a mushy guy but I wanted to hear word with some feeling behind them. Is that too much to ask? But again...maybe he doesn't know if he really loves me anymore. Maybe he's doubting everything about our relationship.

But if he is doubting? In my opinion, he needs to do some self analysis. He should look inward and check what's going on in his mind and his soul. Then I want him to explain to me what he finds. I don't see how hard that is since he's the one who doubted the stability and validity of our relationship. He's the one who strayed from our commitment to each other. So he should be able to communicate facts and details to me. You know?

I know that he said that it's not just one thing that made him to what he did. Well, pick on or two things and tell me what THOSE are. Then we can work from there. He has to own up to his actions. Be accountable for the decisions he's made since April. All the choices he made to be with her and not us.

He's made a ton of choices, so he's got to man up and tell me what his rationale was for them. I think it's only fair. Granted, he might not want to discuss these particulars on the phone. He may want to wait until he comes out for a visit. But then...he might decide to come out with those papers.

So I'm still full of doubt right now as he hasn't fully engulfed himself into the healing process. I want us to heal together but there's definitely hesitation on his part. And that makes me sad that he isn't fully on board yet. Will he ever be?

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