Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Between Marriage & Divorce - 26

PD and I talked a lot while he was out here.

To tell you the truth, I don't think PD ever really knows how he felt and why he felt it. He just did. THAT is the impression I'm getting.

I do think that the barrier of him visiting these last 6 months or so was me. That I was the tipping point. That he didn't want to face me. It's not like I'm scary. But there's the reality that we're married and he didn't want to face that fact.I think he felt like I just didn't need him anymore. That I didn't care abut him.

Funny because I felt like I was extending myself to him. Trying to connect with him through my voicemails and emails.

After a while, I began to be detached. Why? Because he was not responding to me. I guess that was a bad move since he interpreted my stance to be that I didn't care anymore. But I did.

Seems that PD felt like I could do everything on my own.

PD told me something interesting when we discussed the affair he had. The breakdown my BIL had. What happens?

"You're stronger than everyone else."


I may act that way but I'm still very vulnerable. I put up a good front. Always have. I don't want to appear weak. No way. No how. I did that when I was in junior high and got the short stick handed to me too many times. That's why I'm strong. I grew a thick skin at an early age. Had to in order to survive.

And with all this turmoil that I've been going through? I've kept the major bits of it to myself. I do break. My sister (BE) sees it. I allow myself to be vulnerable with her. Because I trust her with all my heart. Something that I thought I could do with PD...

I think that's something that makes me sad. The trust that I had in PD has been shaken to the core. I want to trust him with all my heart. But I'm afraid to right now. I'm not sure when I'll be able to fully be able to trust him again.

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