Thursday, October 06, 2011

Between Marriage & Divorce - 6

Trust is a big thing for me. It's a trigger point.In my own experience, if someone lies to me it's very hard to earn that trust back. I always seem to remember it.

I try to talk with the kids about the importance of trust. That they should tell the truth. I hope I'm able to instill in them a good grasp of trust so they can equate that to how people or friends treat them. And then how they should treat their friends.

Now what has PD done?

PD has done something so far beyond what I ever believed he was ever capable of. How can I trust him now that he's crossed that line? Marriage is sacred to me. The bond we formed & promised to each in front of God in his Holy presence. The vows we took in front of our family and friends. He totally is throwing that commitment out the window. He tossed aside 15 years of marriage.

I have always been wary of people and have not let many people get deeply close to me. Sure, I'm friendly to everyone. But not that many people KNOW the real me. What's inside. That I am truly a vulnerable person. I allowed PD within that small circle of trust. I considered him to be my best friend (only second to BE - my older sister), my partner, my sidekick, and my soulmate through good times and bad, in sickness and in health...for as long as we both shall live.

So now he's been unfaithful. He's an adulterer! He has broken his vow of marriage to me. He's broken our lives.

I know long distance relationships are difficult. Believe me. I know. I went through two deployments with PD. And the darn work-ups to deployment. So he was gone for at least 1 1/2 years. Did I stray? Did I even contemplate being with someone else just because PD was away? No. Not ever. It would have been easy back then but the thought never crossed my mind. Why? Because of my love for PD and the vow I made to him.

I kept busy while he was gone. I worked hard. I spent time with my family. I worked out. I went to the library. I learned how to swim. Missing him like crazy every minute but I kept living. That's what I thought he was doing in AZ. Doing all the things that he said he never had time to do. Reading all his financial magazine. Watching all his shows & movies. Eating the food that he wanted to eat. Taking naps whenever he wanted to. Working out at the gym and running.

And now he's keeping himself busy in another way. I guess he is the reason PD hasn't been answering his cell or home phone when my daughter calls him. He's been with her. Since they met at his old workplace, she knew from the get-go that he was married. So she was the kind of person that did not care that she was breaking up a  family. That she was assisting PD in committing a terrible sin.

Did PD feel any guilt when he was with her? Did he contemplate the ramifications of his actions when he was with her? Did he consider how his children will react when he tells them that we are no longer a family? Or is he too caught up feeling the pleasure of another person's companionship?

It's amazing to me how people can throw away so much of their lives for their own gratification. But I'm sure that's what he is thinking I am doing. That I wanted to move to CA for me. That I"m the one who separated our family. That it's my fault that he is now with someone else. That I'm the one who abandoned him.

And now? He is abandoning me. By his actions, he is putting himself first.

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