Needless to say, I had a difficult couple of weeks. My world has turned upside down. Here's more from my journal...
Until the evening of September 15, I believed that we would be together again. That it was only a matter of time for our foursome to be united. Now it'll be the three of us. I mean, PD made no indication that he wants to see the kids any more than Christmas and Thanksgiving. PD said that we'd "play it by ear" for visitation. What? So he'll see them when it's convenient for him? I don't know. I just don't know. Does he even love them? His actions don't show me that. Even if he doesn't care about me, he should take the time for them. Or am I totally wrong in that regard?
If it was me, I'd drive out to see them every 4-6 weeks. I mean, it's not like he's working every weekend at his new job. I can just imagine that he's spending all his free time with her. In my mind he's thinking that his time with her is more precious to him than his children. That's what his actions are telling me.
And what is SHE doing for him? Listening to him? He's not one who talks about his emotions much. But if he did talk to her about his feelings, he should have been talking to ME about it instead. All he had to do was say something. SOMETHING!
I'm sure what she's giving him is sex. Yeah. Probably. I guess this girl is what he wants and what he needs. I am no longer someone he desires. I just happen to be the mother of his two children. So he's stuck with me for the rest of his life.
I wonder if he regrets tapping on my car window that night in 1993. If he hadn't done that, then we never would have ever talked again. I guess he feels that I've taken away the best years of his life. That his life would have been so different without me. That he'd be some high paid financial whiz managing a hedge fund.
I wish all these things for him though. I'm the one who has always supported him in his decisions. I encouraged him to get his MBA. I kept at him to study when he was getting his CFA. I didn't complain when he accepted a new job in another AZ city when were a month away from moving into our newly built home. I supported his desire to write financial articles for a new web start-up. A decision that ultimately resulted in him loosing his financial job. I didn't complain when it took him a while to find a new job. I supported us and he found a job a few months later. Not his ideal job, but a steady one.
I've stuck by him through it all. I encouraged him to develop his career because I knew what he was capable of in that arena. I knew he had the potential to be something great. And somehow I think he blames me for the difficulties he faced when he was trying to find a job out here in CA.
Yup. Everything ends up being my fault. It just ends up that way. I'm wrong. Me. That's what it feels like. And I'm sure his family will side with him when they find out about the divorce. I wonder if they already know? I wonder if they've already met her? Blame the one that's "married in" -- not our first-born child. Sad, but I think that's how it'll play out.