Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Between Marriage & Divorce - 11

I didn't write for a couple days. Too much going on. I continued on September 23rd.


Last night I emailed PD and thanked him for being patient with me this week. That it felt great to touch base with him and to hear his voice. I suggested that while our daily talks were great...that I wanted to have a long talk with him at least once a week. I asked him to call me today after work. And he actually CALLED ME at 7:40pm just after BB and I got home from football practice.

We talked for almost an hour. He was actually spending the night at his folks house. So he was sitting on the couch watching a football game with his father. I have to tell you that I LOVE PD's DAD. He's a terrific man that I totally respect.

I told PD that I had a lot of questions and I'd appreciate it if he'd answer as many of them as possible. That I'd try to keep them as simple as possible so that he'd be able to respond in front of his father. He answered a lot of them. I must say that I did end up crying a few times. There were  a few surprising answers he gave me. That's why I lost it a couple of times.

** What do I do (or not do) to make you feel like you weren't married anymore?
PD - It's not just one thing.

** About when did you feel like you weren't married anymore? Christmas? Valentine's? Our anniversary?
PD - Christmas.
Me - Christmas? As soon as that?

This was a response that took me by surprise. Christmas? He didn't feel married at Christmas? I thought we were okay then. I have to say that this answer broke me a bit inside. I thought we were still at a good place in our marriage.

** When did you first hook up with her?
PD - April.

April? April? When I asked him this question the first time he said June.

** Were you at a bar? At a party? At work?
PD - At a bar.

** So you were at a bar socializing and drinking and you hooked up with her.
PD - Yes.

** Where did you have sex that first time? The car? Her house?
PD - Her house.
Me - So you were at the bar and you both decided to meet up at her house?
PD - Yes.

** How often would you have sex?
PD - Once or twice a week.
Me - Since April.
PD - Yes.

** And you would spend the nights there?
PD - Yes.

He'd spend the night at her house? All the time? Huh, maybe that's why he wouldn't answer the house phone when we called. He'd be at her house. 

** Would you always go to her house?
PD - Yes.

** You never had sex with her at our house?
PD - No.

** Did you ever feel guilty when you were with her?
PD - Yes.
Me - But you still did it.

** Did you enjoy the fact that she focused on you alone?
PD - I guess so. Yes.

I understand the desire to have someone focus their efforts on you alone. That feeling of being special to that person. To feel like you're their one and only. 

** What does she look like? Tall? Short?
PD - About 5'6"

** White? Mexican?
PD - White.

** Thin? Curvy?
PD - Ummm....
Me - Kind of like your sister's shape but with bigger boobs?
PD - I guess so.

** Blonde? Brunette? Redhead?
PD - Redhead.

So she looks nothing like me. She's taller. Has totally different hair color. And apparently has big boobs. Hmmm...

** Has she been married before?
PD - No.

** Do you know when she had her last sexual partner?
PD - She had a boyfriend for 6 years and broke up with him 3 years ago. He also works at my old office.

** So does her ex know that you were with her?
PD - I think so.

** Did that cause any conflict at work?
PD - No.

** Did anyone else at your old work know about your relationship?
PD - No.

** Does she have any kids?
PD - No.

** Was it easy to take that leap into a sexual relationship with her?
PD - Yes.

I guess that she was single with no kids and a professional with money was attractive. She had no other ties. All she was committed to was herself. And now him. Yes. I understand how attractive that would be. How freeing that would be.

** Do you still get aroused when you think or talk about her?
PD - No.

** Do you still get aroused when you think or talk to me?
PD - Yes.

I really wonder about this. What I'm afraid of is that he'll be thinking of her when/if he and I have sex again. Will his mind wander and think of her. Her lips. Her legs. Her breasts. Her sounds. Her. That's what I'm nervous about. What I'm feeling inadequate about.

** When you'd go out with her, would you introduce her as your girlfriend?
PD - No. We didn't hold hands or anything.

** Are there any other women that you hooked up with that I need to know about?
PD - No.

Yes. My questions focused on her. The other woman who has been spending time with my husband and meeting his sexual needs. I had ask these questions. I had to. I needed to. Otherwise, I would always wonder.

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