Friday, October 14, 2011

Between Marriage & Divorce - 14

As you can see, I REALLY grilled my husband. And I thank goodness that he's been responding to my inquiries.

After I put him through the this last round of questions, I let him know about a few hurtful moments from this year.

How when I told him about my endoscopy that he said "They're gonna stick something up your butt?" He told me that he doesn't remember ever saying that to me. I recall it clear as day. I remember it because his response took me by surprise. Because he said it in such an uncaring manner. Like my needing the procedure didn't mean anything to him. That he didn't care about my health. That he didn't care about me.

I then asked if he actually read the email I'd sent to him for our anniversary. The one about how much I loved  him. I said that his response was only "Happy Anniversary" and that hurt my feelings. After I took the time to write something heartfelt and thoughtful THAT was all he gave me. I would have figured he'd write me something more.But now knowing he was already feeling "unmarried", I guess that's all that he could say.


I explained to him that when the kids and I visited in July that I noticed two changes in him that caused me to pause.

He was driving me and kids out to the movies the one night. I reached out and took his hand in mind like I normally do. After a couple of minutes, I put my hand down. I felt rejected because he never did that before. He'd only put my hand down if he was shifting bears or needed to steer with more control. And then he'd take my hand again right after.You know what he said when I told him about that incident? He doesn't even remember doing that.

I then mentioned how we were in the pool at his folks' house. I came up to him face-to-face and put my arms around him for a hug. How he gave me a short perfunctory squeeze and then pushed off of me. Like "that's enough." We hadn't seen each other in a few months!

He physically rejected me. Not once. Twice. Two times over 3 1/2 days. Small incidents but each one spoke volumes really. Each one tells me a lot now that I know he was already having his affair. He was getting his physically needs already met, so he didn't need my affection. He didn't need my touch. I'm the one who wanted and needed the contact.

But I made sure to explain to PD that no matter how uncomfortable the question or how hurtful the answer might be that he needs to tell me the truth. Because if he doesn't then I won't know how to adjust my words, my actions, or my behavior. I'm trying to become a better wife to him. And without his answers I won't have the tools I need to change. Because really? When he answers me with "I guess so" or "I don't know" it's not helpful. In my opinion, he needs to own up to the truth. He did it. He needs to be accountable for his actions. I need to hear the ugly truth so it doesn't each me up inside -- the unknown.

I did mention that in July I was making an effort to be more considerate to everyone -- his Mom, his brother, his sister...everyone. That I was trying to stay positive. Trying to show my concern and engage them all in conversation. He did concur (I guess he just realized when I mentioned it) that he did recall my behavior. That I was different. That I was trying.

No comments:

Post a Comment