Between Marriage & Divorce - 36

October 28

I am more comfortable with where things stand with PD and myself.

But I must admit that I am not relaxed about our relationship.

You might wonder if I've forgiven PD...and I have. Really.

In my heart, I have forgiven him. It's something that comes from my heart.

But I now know that things aren't necessarily going to be easy. Our relationship might not actually be as I see it. I might think one thing while (in reality) they are going downwards.

I have to admit that I think that I'll always have some doubt about the stability of our marriage.

Is he really happy?

Is he just telling me what he thinks I need to hear?

Will he ever leave me again?

I mean, he left me once (even though I didn't know it), so it can happen again.

He has the ability to be deceitful to me -- that totally blows my mind.

He can keep an entire portion of his life a secret from me.

I know that I could not and would not do anything like that to him. Ever. So I would have thought the same of him. [sigh]

But my love for him remains strong even in the midst of the doubt.