Sunday, November 20, 2011

Between Marriage & Divorce - 39

November 7

I did not speak to PD the rest of last week. I didn't call him at all because we apparently are playing by his rules. I was giving him the space that he apparently wanted. I wasn't going to call him because he doesn't want to answer anymore questions.

When we first began our reconciliation, he said that I could call him whenever. When I was feeling sad or needed to hear his voice. I guess PD forgot about that agreement.

The reason I called him last Monday was that I was feeling lonely and wanted was to get some assurance from him. And he totally slammed the door on me. That hurts. That makes me feel even more isolated. More lonely. I don't feel the support from him that I was hoping for.

This is a hard one for me to deal with. Because even though I have forgiven him for his affiar, I still  need to get a grasp of my role in all this and how I can make things better. I still need to get a graps of how he felt at the time so I can be on the lookout for that in the future.

But it doesn't seem like PD wants to help me at all. Like I said. He had the affair and now he wants me to play by his rules. It's not fair. Not one bit.

When I spoke to him yesterday (Nov 6), he was more lively than he'd been in a long time. It was weird but nice. To hear the "old" him. Too bad that I was pissed about his behavior from the previous week. Was he more lively in our conversation yesterday because we hadn't talked all week? [sigh]

It felt like he didn't miss me. When he acts like this, I just don't feel loved. Does he love me? Does he still want to make this work? Does he still want me?

I haven't got the best feeling in my gut. I don't. I just don't. I feel horrible. My insides are all jumbled. I don't know if I should just swallow my true emotions here and just go with the flow. Stop asking questions and begin from here. Have faith in the process. Have faith in myself.

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