Saturday, February 02, 2013

2013 - 5th Saturday

Changes at work once more. I've been kicking in about 50+ hours per week. It can be stressful and overwhelming. There are days when it doesn't feel like I've got enough time to get things done. What's most aggrevating for me are those days when changes are made and I'm not pulled into the loop. They get me involved when they need me to do something. I'm usually the one who has to finish the deliverable. So they (the infamous "they") decide what needs to get done and designate me to do it. THEN they let me know what's going on. How about asking me about the new aspect first and ask for my feedback on the workflow that would work best. Nope. They just dump it into my lap and expect me to fit it in. ARGH!

The kids are happy that it hasn't been as cold lately. While the mornings are still chilly (not freezing anymore), the day ends up being nice. The heater at the house hasn't been turning on so much, so the air is less drying. No more shocking each other when we're home relaxing. Yes! Those darn kids would walk on the carpet to accumulate static and then come at me and shock me. They think they're funny. But I don't complain because I used to enjoy doing that stuff when I was a kid.

The kids and I went to the mall today. Voluntarily! Can you believe it? The only place we went to was the Barnes&Noble though. We had a plan. I had to get a book for my son for a month-long project. He has to do a report on John F. Kennedy. He tried locating a good book at his school library, but they didn't have anything. We found a good book today, but it is pretty long (406 pages). He might be in 4th grade but he reads at a high level. He really enjoys history too, so I figured that the book was something within his comprehension level.

My daughter finished a weeklong health focused session. Can you guess what the main topic was? That's right. It was about the human body. Human sexuality. She and I talked off and on all week about what they covered in class. She was a little embarrassed at first to talk about it with me. But she was comfortable by yesterday. I'm sure we'll continue to discuss some of the things that were covered in class for the next few weeks and months. She'll digest things in her mind and come up to me (when I least expect it I'm sure) with questions.

I haven't run in a couple of weeks. I haven't gained any weight from what I can see in how my clothes are fitting. I actually went to a new OB this week. I haven't been in about 2 years to a real OB. **smacking my hand on my head** I've been neglecting my own health in that one aspect. I have been going to my regular doc & my gastro, but not the OB. Yes, that's bad. I actually had a pap with my regular doc before I moved back here. I had an abnormal pap result and was told to touch base with an OB. The move and getting settled consumed my time for a while. Life got in the way.

So I finally went to the OB on Tuesday. I brought the test result letter that my general doc sent me to my appointment. After reading the test results, my new OB  asked me to come back on Thursday for a colposcopy and a biopsy. Thankfully when the doc did the colposcopy she didn't see anything abnormal so she didn't take any samples of my cervix/vagina.

The biopsy, however, was a challenge. The doc's plan was to get a sample from inside my uterus. What did that mean? She needed to get INSIDE past my cervix. You know, the darn cervix that wouldn't dilate when I was in labor both times? You know, the reason why I ended up with 2 c-sections? She tried to coax my cervix to open up. And that darn thing was NOT cooperating one iota. She ended up having to "force" it a bit. And goodness almighty, I ended up cramping so much it felt like I was in labor. I had to go into a zone and breath with purpose. That darn cervix! I'll get the results in 7-10 days. **sigh**

We're on the eclipse. PD and I had an eye-opening discussion about a week ago. He finally agreed that he does indeed want a divorce. He admitted that he loves me but is not in love with me. He loves me as the mother of his children. Okay. But at least he's verbalized to me that we should get a divorce. My attorney has the papers drawn up. I've got to get the documents printed, signed, notarized, and send them back to my attorney. He'll then get it to his service who will serve PD at work this Friday. Yes, already.

The dream that I had in my heart for so long is gone. I've done quite a bit of growing up in the last couple of months. While I still have my bad moments, I am so much stronger now internally that I was. Now that we have agreed that divorce is the only answer to our situation, I've been building a wall around my heart and my spirit. The only one I'm trying to protect myself against PD. Not physically, but emotionally. I've been drowning in pain for so long. Enough is enough. While I'll still tear up when I realize that my dream of my marriage and my future is now gone, I'm continuing to build myself back up. Things are getting better. They are. Slowly but surely. They are.

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